In The Beginning...
I spent my whole life looking for love. I guess it started at home with my mom and dad. I was their first born and only child for 7 years. My parents were very religious and tried to train me up in the right way, their way, a religious way. But in the process of that raising, they forgot the love, at least the kind of love that sustains a 5 year old.
My mom‘s idea of love was taking me to church every day and leaving me with attendants. My mom and dad were very active in the church; they live, eat and breathe church. Everyone in their church was more important than me, their own flesh and blood. There were church meetings, church revivals, church anniversaries, Pastor Appreciation Day, and lots more. Everyday there was something going on at First Baptist Church where we attended faithfully on the daily.
My mom didn’t work outside of the church. She was the church secretary and she ran the food bank. I was exposed to every lowlife imaginable but it was okay because mom was doing the work of the Lord. I learned how to resent mom at an early age and soon my dreams became that of leaving both mom and the church.
Love. A four letter word that carries a lot of weight.
I needed someone to love and someone to love me but my mom was too busy living for Jesus and my dad was too busy working to support us.
Two years later along comes Tonya, my baby sister. This slowed mom up a little because Tonya required her attention, no, Tonya demanded her attention and now mom was into something new, raising Tonya and again no time for me. I learned to resent Tonya and then later hate her but no one noticed. I was invisible. Nothing I did gained my mother’s attention, not even letting Tonya fall from the bed at 6 months of age. Mom just stopped letting me watch her.
When I was fourteen Eric, my little brother, was born. He was so cute and cuddly. Mom let me take care of him and I didn’t let Eric fall from the bed like I had Tonya. It felt good to hold him and I dreamed of having a baby of my own one day; someone soft and cuddly like Eric. Eric and I spent a lot of time together because mom was again giving all of her time to Jesus and none to the three children that she had given birth to. Once again every derelict in the street became her sole project and I became mom to Tonya and Eric.
When I turned sixteen, I flew the coop. Yes I ran away. So far away that mom couldn’t find me and a part of me believes she never even looked. For three years I stayed with various people, dodging my dad who felt guilty enough to look for me. During that time on the run I met a young man with Promise, an aspiring music producer. That was the year 1975 when the music business was glamorous and prosperous. Terry Collins was handsome, a smooth talker, and five years older than me. He took to me immediately and became my first sexual experience. He said all of the right things and made me feel like a woman. I had finally found him; my someone to love.
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Chapter One
It’s three o’clock in the morning so I know Stephanie is freaking out by now. I should be home in bed cuddled next to her but lately I’ve been in a misty funk, wondering if I should stay or call it quits and walk away. This is really hard for me because I know that she’s been trying so hard to save our marriage but I don’t know how long I can continue with this charade.
Felicia is cuddled under me in my new music studio, with her head pressed gently against my chest. We are sitting on a blanket that she laid on the floor, leaning against the edge of my soft black leather sofa while listening to the new Luther Vandross CD. Felicia’s naked body feels warm against my bare chest and all I can think about is the passionate love we just made about an hour earlier. Nagging thoughts of Stephanie linger in the back of my mind and I let out a sigh.
“What’s wrong baby?” Felicia asks but I don’t answer because I know it’s not cool to talk about my wife with my lover. Felicia senses that I still love Stephanie but she understands that right now I’m in a bad place and need her comfort to get me through the dark and lonely nights, when going home to Stephanie seems like a chore and an obligation.
I kissed Felicia on the top of her head and tried to reassure her that all is well with me. Of course she knew that I was lying but will never question it. Felicia understands that her only purpose in my life is to make me feel like the man I can’t be right now with Stephanie. So we sit quietly, wrapped in each others arms when I should be home in bed, wrapped in the arms of my wife. We sat quietly drinking in the cool of the night wishing that things were different; wishing that we were different. Soon it would be time to go home and face my demons.
Felicia shifted her position from under me and brought me charging back to reality. I gently pushed her away from me so that I could get up. I grabbed my shirt from the arm of the leather sofa and began to slowly dress. I looked over at Felicia who had begun to do the same and no words were spoken. I hated putting her in this position but I was too strong to admit defeat and too weak to let her go. We both knew that this would soon have to end but as the song goes, neither one of us wanted to be the first to say goodbye.
“Terry, maybe you need to talk with Stephanie so that the two of you can work this out. This is not working for either of us. I know I said no strings but I didn’t sign on for this. You lay with me night after night, yet you’re thinking of your wife,” Felicia blurted out.
“It’s not as simple as all that. I care about you Felicia,” I said, knowing that it wouldn’t be enough to soothe her fragile ego. Felicia was a beautiful woman and could have any man she wanted and she chose me. But at this moment, not even Felicia’s beauty could take my mind off of Stephanie. Stephanie was the love of my life, the woman I gave up everything for. I wanted things to be right once again, I wanted the love we once had when she was young and innocent. She was so beautiful and in need of so much love. I swore that I would protect her forever but I let her down and can’t let go of it. In the background I heard Felicia’s voice and once again my mind came soaring back into the present.
“Yeah but you love her. Why don’t you just tell her? You guys have a lot of history and I just can’t compete with that. Maybe I should stop coming here,” Felicia said as she began to sulk.
“Is that what you want?” I reluctantly asked, not sure I was ready to hear her answer.
“I don’t know what I want. Maybe I want more than this. Somewhere out there there’s a man who can love me completely. Do you think it’s fair that I’m wasting my time and energy sneaking around with a married man who still deeply loves his wife?” She asked.
“I don’t have a gun to your head,” I angrily said while pulling up my pants and buttoning the top button. Felicia had gotten up and was nearly dressed.
“No, but you do have your darts in my heart. Go home Terry,” she said as she walked over and kissed me gently on my lips. “Goodnight Terry.”
She walked quickly out the door and left me standing there half dressed. So much for her understanding. I started buttoning my shirt and noticed that I could smell the slight fragrance of Felicia’s perfume. I couldn’t go home to Stephanie like this, so I took off the shirt and my pants and walked over to my newly built bathroom, complete with a shower for just such an occasion.
I let the water run in the shower and then stepped in to wash off the evidence of my infidelity. As the water ran down my face and I lathered up, my thoughts once again turned to Stephanie. I could feel her slender warm body smooth against my skin, my warm hands caressing her. I envisioned Stephanie’s body close to mine as the warmth of the water engulfed us. Slowly we moved, our bodies in perfect sync, holding each other tightly. When I opened my eyes I found Stephanie gone and I stood alone. I quickly shook it off and grabbed the soap and began washing myself.
***
I could feel his warm hands gently caressing my body. I moved closer and slid my head under his chin. I wrapped my arms and legs around him gently and began to massage his back. I could feel his smooth lips running down my bare neck. I pushed away gently just to tease him. His lips found their way to my breast. My nipple, which stood erect and tender, welcomed his touch.
I could feel his tongue slowly trace the length of me. He rested his head on my thigh. I laid back and anticipated the heat of his mouth. His hands never stopped as I lay there clutching the sheet. My eyes slowly opened, darkness surrounded me. I turned to find him gone. It was just a dream…
It was three o'clock in the morning and still no Terry. I tossed and turned for the rest of the night, trying not to go through all of the usual emotions that women in my position usually go through. First, being worried that something was wrong. I almost expected to hear the doorbell ring, and see two grim looking police officers standing there when I opened the door.
I imagined that Terry was in a horrible car accident, and the officers were there to give me the news of his demise. Or maybe he was the victim of a holdup and lying in the street somewhere, bloody, hurt and all alone. I began to weep at the thought of my precious Terry in pieces behind an old alley, but my tears began to fade when I thought of another scenario. You know the one, the one that had Terry in the arms of some other woman, doing things to her that he should be home doing to me. The more I thought about it, the more that scenario seemed a little bit more realistic.
It was hard to fall asleep again, I was angry. All I had was my dreams keeping me warm, and dreams were not a real man holding me and making love to me. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw my Terry wrapped around some skinny woman, doing to her what we used to do and enjoying every minute! The kisses that we used to share, the love that we used to make, it’s not the way it used to be. Now Terry and I simply go through the motions of marriage and sometimes the motions are just not good enough. I need the emotions that come with being married and the respect that come with being the first and only Mrs. Terry Collins.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss the lovemaking too; his warm hands caressing my body; his doing things to me that sent shivers up my spine, and his long passionate tender kisses. Hell yeah! I miss it all. Now he’s out doing who knows what, with who knows who, while I’m left alone here lost in my dreams and worrying about him. How did my life get to this? Well, no more. No more staying up all night wondering if he's been hurt. No more dreaming of warm hands holding me, no more pacing the floor or thinking up scenarios. The way I’m feeling tonight, he had better be laying face down somewhere or he’ll wish he was!
I pulled the covers off and jumped out of bed. I grabbed my pink terry cloth robe, went downstairs and sat in my favorite black leather recliner in the living room. I was hoping the change of atmosphere and my comfortable chair would make me forget about my loneliness, and maybe I could even fall asleep again. Instead, I stared aimlessly at the blank wall and the fading white paint that covered it and it reminded me of my fading marriage. I looked at the clock on the wall. Three twenty-five. This was pathetic. He was so damn inconsiderate! Why do I even care? I had to stop doing this to myself, oh God why? Why am I the one who always has to suffer? What have I done to deserve this?
I left the comfort of my favorite chair and walked into the kitchen and poured myself a shot glass of Hennessey. A drink was the last thing that I needed at three thirty in the morning, but I really didn’t care. I wanted a drink and I was having one. Terry did not approve of my drinking. Hell, he didn’t approve of anything I did. Sometimes he made me feel like he didn’t approve of me. Maybe it’s just my imagination or my insecurities but sometimes I wonder why we even stay together or why I even give a damn about his approval or disapproval. He was doing exactly what he wanted to do, with no concern for me. Starting today, I was going to do exactly what I wanted to do, with no concern for him. That sounds so petty I know, but what else can I do?
I took my drink into the living room, sat down and once again stared at the fading paint that covered most of the walls, which were all old and in need of a new make over, like my marriage, which was in desperate need of a new makeover. I tried to be everything Terry wanted me to be; I guess I didn’t do enough. Maybe that was the problem. I was a good wife and a great mother, but because Terry never seemed to be satisfied, I doubted myself. I could never please him. No matter how hard I tried, he complained about everything. Lord, you know I tried, I really did, but no matter what, I just could not please him. Something or someone was always standing in the way of our happiness.
I didn’t know how to make him happy. Maybe it was me. If I didn’t have my hands full with our kids, I could spend some more time with him, but Monica and Terrell need me, I’m their mother, they didn’t ask to be here. I tried to keep Terrell's toys in his room where they should have been, but you know how eight-year-old boys are. Everyday you could count on tripping over a Dragon Ball Z action figure or running into his bicycle, which he knows belongs in the basement. Terry never helped with the discipline; he had no patience with Terrell. His idea of discipline was yelling when he tripped over something that Terrell left on the floor, and then its “Stephanie, get that boy to pick up his stuff!”
Monica was no better. At fourteen, her only ambition in life was talking on the telephone to her friends. She walks over anything in her way, instead of picking it up and putting it in its proper place. She has an attitude from teenage hell and like most teenagers, explodes when you say two words to her. Of course, she’s Terry’s heart and soul. She can’t do anything wrong in his eyes. He has her so spoiled that I can’t say or do anything with her, so I don’t even bother. I guess you could say we were a typical American family. Typically dysfunctional others would say. The only thing missing is a neurotic dog. Can you imagine? I would really go nuts. Sometimes I think I just want to run away from them all. Leave all of them and see how they like that.
I was sitting here lost in my thoughts when Terry walked in. I tried to hide my glass but I figured, what’s the point. He was surprised to see me awake. I looked at the clock on the wall, it was exactly 4 am.
"What are you doing up?" He asked never looking at me.
"We need to talk Terry, we need to seriously talk!" I said but he just stood there and looked at me.
"It’s too damn early in the morning for your attitude Stephanie. I'm not in the mood for this,” he said with very little emotion. I guess that set me off because before I could stop myself the words were already coming out of my mouth.
"Go to hell, Terry!"
"Typical! That's very lady-like, Stephanie. Did you learn that from your bitch friends?"
"This is not about me, or my friends for that matter. It's about you Terry." By now I was yelling because as usual I had let my emotions show while he stayed completely calm.
He took off his jacket and calmly threw it across the couch. He walked into the kitchen totally ignoring me, as usual. I followed him. He opened the refrigerator, took out the luncheon meat, cheese and mustard, and placed it on the counter. I watched. He opened the cabinet and took out the bread.
I folded my arms across my chest while waiting for an explanation of where he's been this time, and who he was with, but he just made his sandwich and pretended like I wasn't even in the room. He had this look on his face. It was the look that I had seen so many times before, the look that said you’re invisible to me Stephanie, I don’t even see you.
"Terry I would like to talk to you." There was no response. “Terry did you hear me?" I asked calmly.
"I heard you!" He yelled, for the first time showing emotion.
"Don't talk to me like that!" I screamed. Terry swung around from the counter.
"Look Stephanie, if you have something to say, say it! I’m tired."
"I want to talk about us," I said calmly.
"What about us," he asked as he folded his arms across his chest and looked me in the eye.
"I'm not happy with the way things are Terry.” It was all I could blurt out. Terry laughed a little and shook his head. “I don't appreciate you staying out till all hours in the morning. I was worried about you. You could have been dead for all I knew. Can't you at least consider my feelings?" I asked with as much passion as I could get out of me. He laughed again, my heart sank.